I realize that everyone is not going to disclose every detail about themselves on one page of an internet dating profile. But there are key questions that the website prompts you to answer that are somewhat significant. Personal information that can't/won't change, and that is probably not up for debate or compromise. For example, age and height. You'd have to just be dumb to try to lie about either of these. But people do. What happens when we eventually meet face-to-face? Um, unless you’re wearing Prince-like platforms, I’m probably going to notice that you’re interpretation of 6 feet tall is actually 5'8” according to English measurement standards. Religion is another one of these questions. Personally I don't have a preference because it's not a big part of my life, but I know that for a lot of my friends it can be a major deal breaker. How about marital status? Single, separated, divorced, widowed….
So I organized date #4. (After all this time has it really only been 4?) I told him the only day I was free was Saturday, and he said he was busy. Well, fit me in anyway Casanova. It actually worked out well because we decided to meet for an afternoon drink in between him helping a friend move and going to a professional sports game later that night. Which means I already had an out, because he’d have to leave either way. To be honest I wasn’t even looking forward to it. I was bored, needed writing material, and was thinking that I might at least end up with (yet another) male friend. It took me approximately 2.3 seconds after he walked in the door to say, “nope.” Don’t worry; I didn’t say it out loud. But I tried to keep an open mind. I could at least have a conversation with the guy, right? And then he opened his mouth. It wasn’t what he said, which was mostly dry and unentertaining. It was the fact that he had bad teeth. How did I not notice that in his pictures??? Ooooh right. Because he used the closed-mouth smile. Sneaky. So I’m not attracted to him, and our conversation is cliché. ‘Where did you go to school, tell me about your job, where have you traveled, what sports do you like, etc., etc.’ I’m tired. I just want to leave. And I’m reminded of something one of my very best friends used to tell me when she was internet dating as often as ESPN mentions the name Tim Tebow. I would tell her, “at least you are putting yourself out there.” And she would say, “every time I’m stuck with one of these d-bag guys I think of how much I’d rather just be drinking wine with you.” But she’s engaged now. And we’re happy for her.
Moving on – I think I’m getting out of this ‘date’ when he orders a second beer. Which means I need a second glass of wine if I’m going to have to sit here and make conversation for another 30 minutes. Which also means I have to find ways to amuse myself. So I start probing him for good stories about his internet dating experiences. That goes nowhere. I tell him some of mine just for something to talk about. I laugh and jokingly ask, “you don’t have cats, do you?” He responds with a deer-in-headlights expression. Oh Lord. Really??? Another guy with cats!? Now I'm laughing hysterically and looking for the candid-cameras that I’m sure I’m surrounded by. There cannot possibly be that many single men with cats in this world. How is it that every guy I’ve managed to meet has them!? There was an IT guy from last year, the guy who lived with his parents, the guy from the wedding who lived out of state, the guy who shaves his cats like lions, the volleyball guy with cats… come ON! But what really pissed me off was that nowhere on this dudes profile did it mention having pets of any kind. Are you embarrassed that you have them? And if you’re not willing to tell me that, what else aren’t you willing to tell me? Oh – and he let me split the check with him. I was going to let that go because he probably figured out there wasn’t going to be a date #2 so he could throw chivalry out the window. But he texted me about 2 hours later saying, “I forgot that what I hate about coming to these games is that the beers are so expensive!”
I was really tempted to write back, “Well at least you can afford it since you didn’t have to pay for my drinks this afternoon :) Meow”
I am going to be single forever.