Chocolate Covered Grasshoppers

I'm trying to take this seriously.  Really, I am.  But when you get emails that say, "there is nothing more beautiful than a sunset in Tuscany... but your smile comes close!"  it's challenging.  Another email asked for my "digits" so he could text me to get to know me.  First of all, isn't that why we're paying for use of the websites communication options?  And second, you are 24 years old Sir.  Why don't you "hit me up" in about 7 years.  The other introductory recurring email I've been receiving is along the lines of, "Hi!  How are you?  Hows your week going?"  I'm sorry... do I know you?  How is my week going?  Really??  I realize that it's hard to make the first move and put yourself out there, but come on!  Be a little more creative.  How do you expect me to respond?  "Week is going great, thanks!  Beautiful sunrise this morning!"  At least take 2 minutes to read my profile (I know, I know.  It's as tedious as reading the articles in Playboy), and ask me something personal. 

Something else that I've found really entertaining is reading through people's Interests sections.  It's amazing.  Everyone, and I mean 100%, every single person, likes movies.  Either going to the movies, or sitting at home watching them.  With the exception of the guy who wrote that he enjoys going to the "cinema."  Yes, I deleted him.  But my absolute favorite is when people say "I'm up for anything."  NO YOU ARE NOT!!!  I don't care if you tell me your interests include bowling, painting self-portraits, or reading Twilight novels.  I'll question you, and probably won't want to date you, but at least I'll believe you.  No one is up for everything.  What if I tell you I want to go bungee jumping?  What if I ask you to come to a Bikram yoga class where they heat the room to 105 degrees?  Or spend 5 minutes in a -110 degree ice chamber like that dude on Millionaire Matchmaker made his date suffer through?  What if I tell you I want to swim with sharks or dine out Fear Factor style and eat chocolate-covered grasshoppers?*  I may actually know one guy who is crazy enough to do all those things.  But I also know there was at least one thing he wouldn't do:  commit. 

I'm going to be single forever. 


*Disclaimer: the only one of these things you'll ever see me doing is Bikram.  If you want to read an awesome Bikram blog, check out