Go Fish

Remember when you were a kid and played the card game “Go Fish?”

I feel like that’s what I’m doing searching through this website every night. Except with a reverse motive.  In the game, the strategy involves asking other players if they are holding certain cards that you want.  If they don’t, you get to ‘go fish’ for the one you’re looking for.  With internet dating, it’s easy to determine right away if someone has something you don’t want.  The first thing you see on the website is a picture, so you start there.  You like it, or you don’t. If you like it, the next step is usually to look at the rest of their pictures.  Oh dear… shirtless bathroom mirror picture.  Discard him immediately.  Go fish.  The next guy pops up and looks promising. Until his subsequent pictures show him in white sunglasses and sideways hats. Discard. Go fish. The next guy has a cute face and nice teeth. Ok, I’ll bite. The second picture is a full body shot of him at some kind of tailgate with his flabby arms and beer belly hanging out. Ugh. Discard. Go fish. Even if all of the pictures pass the initial screening, you still have to check out the profile. The cute firefighter I found has 2 kids and they ‘sometimes live at home.’ Ick. Discard.  Go fish.  The bad-boy racecar driver I thought was sexy used approximately 7 smiley faces and 13 LOL’s when describing himself and his ideal date.  Who’s writing this – your 15-year-old sister?  Discard.  Go fish. The tall, dark, handsome Italian attends church regularly, and religion is a priority to him and his family.  Now this one is touchy.  It’s not that this a deal breaker for me, but I know it ends up being a deal breaker for people who feel that strongly about it.  We’re talking about core values now. Beliefs, backgrounds, and traditions that you can’t ask or expect someone to change.  Families get involved.  You have to have discussions about how children would be raised.  I have seen this scenario end tragically, and I feel it’s best not to waste anyone’s time.  Go fish.

In keeping with the theme, there is something else that keeps coming up that I just can’t understand.  A lot of people like to promote their hobbies through pictures.  It makes sense.  Golfers have pictures of themselves swinging a club.  Runners have pictures of themselves crossing a finish line. Surfers have pictures of themselves out on the water (such a turn on).  But fisherman... and apparently there are HUNDREDS of them in the 15 mile radius surrounding my zip code, display pictures that look like this:

Umm... gross!  What are you going for here?  Trying to show you’re an outdoors-y kind of guy?  Maybe you even own a boat.  You like being on the water.  You’re a hunter/gatherer of sorts, and if we were ever stuck in the wilderness together we wouldn’t starve to death.  (Assuming you know how to make a fire.  Because that's for sure not in my Relationship Resume).  For me, it doesn’t matter how good looking the guy is – I can’t get past the fact that there is a dead fish in your picture.  And it makes me want to convert to veganism.

I’m going to be single forever.