I Want My Money Back

I want my money back.

Last night I got the following email, prefaced by this opening line by “The Website”
Just so you know, this is BeachGuy21’s only VIP Email  of the week, and he chose to send it to you!

Ooh.  VIP Email.  What's this all about?  I guess I’m supposed to feel special.  But I’ll let you decide.  Here it is.  As always, verbatim minus locations:

Hi there!

Well I hope your day is going very well for you. I really enjoyed your profile. You seem like a very honest, sincere, good-hearted, and down to earth person. Here is a lil about me... I am 31 yrs old originally from the midwest but grew up in the south. I work in property management and in the process of obtaining my real estate license to go along with my CAM license for management. I recently had to step down from coaching baseball (which is a passion of mine) to focus on my career more.

Like any guy and I really into sports. I grew up playing baseball through little league, high school, college, and was lucky enough to play a few year of professional ball in a minor league system. I pretty much enjoy most sports, love to go to any sporting event. I love to play golf and baseball (still). Right now I play in an adult softball league twice a week. Other then sports I enjoy music and going to concerts. I love to go to low key bars and listen to some live music. I also enjoy boating, fishing, chillen by the pool, shopping, BBQs, family, naps, relaxing, traveling. I am always up for new things and getting out of my comfort zones.

I am say I am a very ambitious person with it comes to my career and relationships in live. I am a huge family man and hope to have one of my own one day. I am a very easy going laid back person with old fashion manners and family values. Well I think that is enough of this long winded email lol. But I would love to hear you and get to know more about you. Hope I was able to spark your interest a bit, and hope to hear back from you :-)

After getting past the grammatical errors and use of the world “lil” by someone who allegedly has a pen!s, I couldn’t help myself.  I responded with this:
“Do you get many responses from your ‘VIP’ emails? This is the first time I've seen one of these (so i think i'm supposed to be flattered?) but it looks like just a form email that you cut and paste. Is that how it works?”

His response:
“Well to be honest is all I did was send you an email and match put it in the format for some reason. No clue on how to even put an email in this VIP thing. I actually would expect to to be flattered by it at all. I don't really see the difference between it and a regular email.  I emailed you because I thought you seemed a cool gal worth getting to know. If the feeling is not mutual then there is nothing I can do and wish ya all the luck.”

Wow.  Apparently I need luck finding a guy who uses spell check.  And wow, the shady website strikes again.  What a joke.  They let guys write these generic form emails that say nothing personal what-so-ever, or even imply in the slightest way that they looked at your profile, and then they send to you as his ‘VIP’ pick for the week.   That’s about as flattering as the kid in the check-out line at the grocery store last week who told me I looked 26.  When I said, “thanks!” he said, “well I know you always guess younger.”    ...<sigh>

Also of note this week is that I got matched with a guy that one of my friends already tried to set me up with 2 months ago.  Under the pets category, he answered only “I like dogs.”  Really?  You didn’t feel the need to disclose that you have two cats?  And you shave them so that they look like lions….?   Yup.  True story.  I couldn’t make that up if I tried.  It’s also a perfect example of false advertising.  How many times do we have to stress that withholding the truth and lying are the same thing?

I also got matched with a guy who is the brother of a new friend of mine.  She and her husband just moved here from out of state, and we met through mutual friends at our gym.  Her brother is ridiculously good looking, and apparently quite smart and quite normal.  So I winked at him.  And he viewed my profile.  And did not wink back or email.  Great.  That won’t be awkward when I meet him in person, which is pretty much inevitable.  I’m totally ready for a refund.

I’m going to be single forever.