Not A Very Merry Un-Birthday

After an unusually long, jury-duty filled week*, I was getting ready for a much needed happy hour excursion when I see a text message pop up from… White Belt Guy?   Hmm… 

“Happy Bday”

Nope.  Today is not my birthday.  Nor is it any time soon.  Nor has it been any time recently.  (At this point I don’t know if I plan on celebrating any more, but that’s besides the point).  He must have texted the wrong person, right?  Who does that?  Or is this one of those weird ploys to get me to engage in conversation?  I waited a few minutes for the “oops, sorry” text, but it didn’t come.  So I responded and said, “That might go down as the most random text message I’ve ever received.”  He writes back and says, “Sorry.  Your name is next to my sisters in my phone.”  Uh huh.  So… not only did you wait until 6pm to text your sister on her birthday, you chose to text her instead of call her?  I know everyone’s family is different, but I still find this unusual and too coincidental.  I’d recommend that he just delete my number to avoid the problem next year, but we know WBG is slightly sensitive, so I’ll just let it go. 

The thing I've been most paranoid about during this experience is being stuck on an awkward date.  Turns out, bad dates aren't the only situations to fear.  I'm pretty sure I saw a guy that I’ve been emailing with at the bar.  He was clearly on a date, which is fine, but it was totally awkward.  We had that moment where we looked at each other realizing we knew each other, and then at the same instant both figured out how, and had to nonchalantly turn the other way like that didn’t just happen.  Then I got home and checked my daily matches and to see who’s viewed my profile, only to have one of the most mortifying experiences one can have while internet-dating.  A guy from my office.  Whom I know to be married.  With a child.  According to his profile he’s “currently separated.”  News to me.  I just hope it’s not news to his wife, too…  The only saving grace about this situation is that I’m pretty sure my secret is safe. 

The next thing I find is an email from a guy who looks like Tuco Salamanca from Season 2 of Breaking Bad.  <Shudder>.  Great.  Like I wasn’t already having trouble sleeping.  And the next guy, who’s picture would almost be funny if it wasn’t so, so ridiculous… 

And last but not least, yet another bathroom mirror picture.  This time, the guy was actually in the process of brushing his teeth.  Good to know you practice good hygiene.  I’m still deleting you. 

So my night ends with two dirty martinis, some juicy relationship stories from a 'smug-married' friend, and a blank proverbial drawing board. 

I’m going to be single forever. 


*WHAT is WRONG with our justice system!???  I spent three entire days crammed in to a church pew in between a very wide man and a man with a hacking cough, only to be patronized by a judge and prosecuting attorney who kept repeating things like "This is the most important civic duty you can perform as a citizen" and "We truly appreciate you rearranging your schedules to be here today."  Uh - you're welcome?  Pretty sure you told me I'd be arrested if I didn't show up.  Luckily, as it turns out, you are not an ideal candidate to sit on a jury if you have 'very opinionated lawyer friends who constantly discuss their cases.'  So thank you for that, M and JD  ;)