Nice ring finger shot, Slick.
So I tried one of the free dating sites, and it was even worse. I’ll spare you the details. All you need to know is that the first person to contact me was an old, fat, bald, creepy guy who lived in my previous apartment complex. I’ve never seen him wearing anything but a wife beater and Teva sandals, and travelling only by bike. Run; don’t walk, away from this site. Hence, the recycling.
Once again I recruited a friend (and a bottle of Pinot Noir) to help me sort through the 1000 matches that had accumulated in the past 3 months. I have to preface this by telling you this friend does not have a mean bone in her body. She’s a pastor’s daughter for crying out loud, and is one of the most bubbly, happy people I know. About five profiles in, we come across Nice_Guy_Ry. As I’m rolling my eyes at the name, I pull up the picture and she blurts out, “Oh that’s why you’re nice. Because you’re ugly.” Aaaaand, we’re back!
Next up is Tinysandpirate. WHAT, exactly, is a sand-pirate? If it was any kind of sports reference, I would know. It's not. It's just weird. What part of that name do you think a woman would find appealing? And not for nothing, but how many times do we have to go over the fact that bigger is, in fact, better? You should not preface any name, weird or otherwise, with the word ‘tiny.’ Next up is FeelMyName1111. Well aren’t you a creative genius. Thanks, but I’d rather not. I’ll also pass on Prince_BCBG. Um…. do you mean BCBG like the women’s clothing designer?? It’s fine if you're familiar with women’s fashion but 1) why is this the word you're using to identify yourself? and 2) why are you wearing a wife-beater!? And while we’re ruthlessly critiquing pictures, there’s one more thing I have to mention. We can agree that most women want a man who is educated, right? But guys – there is a way to present yourself as such that does not involve posting your college graduation picture - in full-on cap & gown attire.
Did I really just pay to subject myself to the same nonsense as last time? Help, help, help. There’s got to be
I am going to be single forever.